While inside I cry

The empty days of my busy life...
those who love me care...they try.
but surrounded by them, I smile rife.
while inside I cry
He smiled at me slowly, shock in his eyes evident
those who love me don't see it
I smile back, pretending not to notice, pretending to be confident
while inside I cry
Life as I knew it suddenly became a clear lie
those who love me saw it
I should have seen sooner, but I just wanted to try
while inside I cry
innocent, adolescent, teenage me
those who love me didn't see
how I'd escape in my mind, fantasy... Flee!
while inside I cry
to smile and really feel happy.

In this I used 3 specific memories from things that have happened in my life that I remember feeling so sad and depressed and upset and confused... It's about how I expect those who love me to be observant and how blind I make myself or how I hide myself away so much...Maybe I should've been an actress...lol
~T~
p.s. sorry the last 2 poems have been so sad/depressing...just in a funk.

My Mask

I wear a mask today
but those who love me
can sometimes see it slip away
I fear my eyes give away my guilt
guilty of feeling sad
the sadness I tried to contain, spilt
what am I missing?
what do I need?
to fill this empty hole
this deep, hollow, aching...
in my soul.

Been feeling sad lately... It's like...I should feel happy with all the holidays around. But there's just so much in my life I'm trying to figure out so I can grow up I suppose. I sometimes slip up though and a sadness enters my eyes that gives me away... So I need to keep my mask on tighter I guess until I can figure this out or just give myself some time to just cry. Sometimes that's really helpful when you are feeling sad, to just cry and let it out instead of holding it all in. Hard for me though because I have been taught that crying shows weakness and I'd rather wear this mask than to cry...but then again...couldn't this mask be considered being weak too?... who knows? *Shrug*
~T~

Winter Wonderland

diamonds sparkle and shine
dripping gracefully down the side
rays of Heaven's love
come pouring down
creating this wonderland we dream of
each sparkle fell through time
ignoring the salt and brine
leaving a trail that blankets the Earth
shiver and hide
we'll not want to stray from the hearth
cocoa and tea
let it heat and be
as we snuggle close
wondering why we dream for this wonderland
and now dream of the warm coast.

inspired by a snow storm, followed by a beautiful sunny day. It has been soooo cold.
~T~

Mason Lee Michael Blitch

(RIP: 12/1/1999-1/14/2000)
A Child here, a child gone.
it won't be long, only a few months
only a few good memories
The room was filled with sobs and sniffles
not including the desperate wails of a mother's misery
SIDS, I hate SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
I just wanted to go home
home to my bed, home to cry
to be at that place
oh Why did he have to die?
the innocent cries from him I'll hear no more
the happy face of a baby boy
the expressions he made when he saw something that interested him
the joy I felt as I held him
the joy others felt
the proudness of a father with his son
the happiness he had brung
Into this world, we hoped he would stay
Into this world, God called him away.

I wrote this at age 14 when my baby nephew died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). I am posting this now cuz his birthday was 5 days ago. He would have been 10. We all miss him dearly but always keep him in our hearts. Please anyone expecting a child or with a infant, please research and learn how you can reduce the risks of SIDS. It can not be prevented. It could happen to anyone. Being informed can at least help you reduce your child's risk. Happy late Birthday Mason! We love you.
~Aunt T~

Blinded to Opportunity

There it goes...
did you see it?
yes, yes, it was there.
it just goes to show...
you don't believe it!
you should really take more care...
It was so close!
I can't believe you missed it.
well, maybe next time you should stare.
you're so blind, you can't see past your nose.
Right there! You missed it!
guess when you're ready, you'll see it there.

how many times do we pass up opportunity just because we are too scared to take the risk or we don't wanna see it?... I am scared of opportunity all the time...I just blind myself to it because I don't think I deserve that opportunity. So, maybe the key is to be confident in yourself and grab those opportunities. They won't always keep coming.
~T~

God's Teasing Whispers

cupping a hand to my ear
I strain to listen
for the whispers I expect to hear
where have you gone!?
speak louder please
I need to know when to grab on
your silent whispers tease
is it my imagination?
or is it really you?
Yell! Don't wait for an invitation.
I really have no clue...
Give me a sign.
slap me in the face with it!
hold me close and show me
my heart can be blind to what's good for it
show me the way to be
please...

still waiting for my answers...
~T~

God

an unseen hand works from above
healing, creating, changing
filling us with His love
beauty in the tree, beauty in the life
even through blood stained, dirty tears
He pulls us through the strife
without Him, we would be none
with Him, we are loved
and praise His name til on Earth His work be done
and then to the Heavens we will storm
and bask in His Holy Glory
in His love, forever warm.

...no explanations needed....it's how I see and feel.
~T~

Hiding

Somewhere over the rainbow
the stars still shine
and when I want to hide away
it won't be considered a crime
the lollipop kids will smile and dance with me
it'll be a celebration
they'll let me be who I want to be
I will skip down the yellow brick road
and when I find price charming
he'll be a man, not a toad
when the door locks behind
I won't leave him outside
our dreams will be one
and from him I won't want to hide.

Just wrote this between last night and today. This is about how I love to hide away in my own little world, involved in all my writing/reading/artsy/dreaming stuff. My dad exclaims to me at times, "it's alive!" and my mom says, "we see her when she gets hungry". It'd be better if I had my own place. They see me about as much as if I had my own place...soon I hope. ;) lol. anyways... It's about how I will know the man who is right for me because, I won't feel like I need to hide away with him. I can be who I am and who I want to be in front of him and not feel judged. So hard to do that around people who don't necessarily like how you spend your time. If my dad had his way, my time would be spent working on something that's actually work work. I have a job....that's work enough. I like to spend my free time enjoying the things I enjoy. :)
~T~

Forcing

I step up to the plate
Hey! this should be fun!
Batter up! Batter up!
Let's give it a run
quick sand makes up home plate as I step up
Sure! Why not?
It can't be THAT rough
down I sink
every instinct screams to fight it
but there I stand sinking
holding my tongue, biting it
too sweet, too soon
Just slow down, give me some room
too desperate, too lonely
is it worth the phony?
trying not to lie, avoiding the truth
too afraid of letting the other fall
so here I stand sinking
hoping it will get better once I hit the ball.

Can't explain this at this time...but maybe you can figure it out w/o explainations.
~T~

Hot Bath

when all drains
to the last drop
just remember
the facet is turned off
turn it on
and bathe free
soak and wrinkle
with a good book to read


I wrote this poem in the literal sense and metaphoric. Literal, because I love to just relax in the hot bath and read. I could spend hours in there as long as I have a good size hot water heater. lol. Methaphoric because in whatever we do and it seems like things are draining or going bad that it just takes our own determination and striving toward it to stop the drain and fill our life back up the way we want. =)
~T~

Cookie Cutter Beauty

Pat a back
give a hug
fake a smile
sweep the dust under the rug...
Barbie, Barbie, Barbie
everywhere we turn
trying to be perfect
trying to be pleasant
being beautiful is our concern
cookies! cookies!
let us cut
doesn't matter
chocolate or peanut butter with nuts
the best are sugar coated
like me
plump and tasty.

This is another poem about self image. I wrote this a long time ago. It seems like all these girls look the same with their bleach blond hair and Gap clothes...
~T~

The Girl in the Mirror

The girl in the mirror glares back at me
she's not happy that I'm staring back at her
I'm not who she wants me to be
she runs her fingers through her hair, unsure...
she hates me, I hate her
with a sigh, I accept this
Only when someone new stares back
will we be content not to miss
miss the other who makes us frown & want to slap
she hates me, I hate her
It may never change
But this will continue all the same
til I can see her there and not feel guilty shame
til I can see her beauty
til she has less booty...
she hates me, I hate her
I peek again, needing the reminder of a double take
...but maybe I'll get lucky
and the mirror will break...

This is a poem I just wrote yesterday or the day before...I really can't remember which.lol. Anyways, it's about bad self image and not knowing if you can change and be happy with what you see.
~T~

Behind Closed Eyes

hiding, holding deep beneath the sand
seeing another world behind closed eyes
afraid to grow up, take a stand
live the life given, so afraid, she cries
so many adventures lived behind closed eyes
but so many lost in real life
she lives a half life
here...but not...and always wishing
wishing for that on the other side
so, lazily she lies, dreaming
from the world...she hides
...in many others...
behind closed eyes

This poem is about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around, my eyes glazed over, my mind in another world besides the one I'm walking in. My imagination always exploring other places that I've read about or just dreamt up myself. It's hard to force myself back into reality. I think my family even realizes that my mind is always adrift. I've decided to try to rein it in but keep it free at the same time by learning to share these worlds with others, by writing. I hope I can succeed. Wish me luck. :)
~T~

Untitled poem

The hot lava boils
pounding, pounding
through my veins
rushing, racing
never to feel the same
liquid heat glazes
the hills
red brimmed
and sore
let it be no more
and the drip tumbles down
staining the page.

I actually put a red stain on the page in my notebook that I wrote this on. This is supposed to be about heart break, about feeling like someone has stabbed you in the heart and you are crying as the blood trickles down. It is untitled only because I have never come up with a proper title that I think fits it well. Any suggestions?
~T~

To Conquer Fear

Thunder! Thunder!
Roar for me!
show me your weakness
and cease to be!
In my grasp
you will find
your power is useless
and I'm not so kind
you try to rattle
and addle my brain
try your hardest
my fear, you will find, is not a game
you will cower
I will be the victor
you have no power
for lightening is my sister.

This is about conquering fears. I like to read this one out loud with a strong stern almost angry voice. Be the victor of your fears. :)
~T~

Forget Me

Save me, I ask you please...
Give me, I ask you please...
Allow me, I ask you please...
Follow me, I ask you please...
Please, I ask you...
Save me, give me...
Please, I ask you...
Allow me, follow me...
simple and some what weird requests
I know. You know. I want. You want.
I... don't know...I don't want...
But you do and that's all that matters
don't think about me
I don't need you to save me or give me
I don't need you to allow me or follow me
so just think about me once and throw me
out of your mind, heart, soul, and life
I'm useless to you and you just need you
forget about me...
please.

I wrote this after feeling unappreciated and not cared for by the person whom I was in a relationship with at the time. He was a selfish sort of man who never seemed to care about what I wanted or felt. So many times I just felt like I was an object to him and ignored when it came to something I wanted or needed even... He didn't mean to be that way I suppose, it was just his nature, how he was raised.
~T~

Endurance

and sometimes those who knew me best
could stand to learn the rest
I am not what they see
I understand why they flee
forgotten, overlooked, passed by
I do want to try
yet I am not strong enough
to trudge through this rough
down I fall, hit by rocks
so when someone comes to knock
silence will greet them back
for no one will be forced to endure my slack
I wish not for anyone
patience, tolerance, for me, none
too cowardly to face life
too cowardly to face death
so alone I sit, silent to the grave
trying to endure this life I've made.

This is about feeling invisible and forgotten. I have felt like I have been abandoned by my friends for reasons I don't understand. I am also many times just ignored and I don't understand that either. I am a nice person with tons of creativity and I just want to share it with everyone. I just don't know what to do with myself. If I only understood what it is I do or about me that makes people not think of me as special enough or worth their time...
~T~

Slow

float fluttering
fluttering fall
these are the days
remember them all
broken and lost
happy and safe
discover the truth
for these days
do not end in youth
quality and quantity
dispose of the fast
souls for eternity
forever we last.

It is what it is...you tell me what u think ;)
~T~

Stuck

Do they care?
with their rolling eyes
and blank stares
they look at me like I'm crazy
they pretend to care
tell me I'm wrong!
they pretend to care?!?!
Inquiries to sound interested
but all it is, is mocking
they find all I do appalling
is it really that shocking?
I do what I want
how I want
when I want
shush! listen to me
without judging
get off your fat high horse
I'm tired of your muck
at least I'm trying
...I'm just stuck...


I wrote this poem after feeling like my family wasn't supporting me in the things I was doing at the time. Sometimes it's hard to make life decisions and it's easier if you have support.
~T~

Perched Upon a Fence

Selfish lies hold me back
drifting, merrily, I won't look back
pain lies ahead, but pain lies behind
self pity left behind, I look ahead
move forward, swiftly building
walls, walls from the past, that were once torn down
one foot forward, one foot back
I stop and stare, stuck in the middle of the tracks
perch myself, idle, listless
torn between which way to turn
neither way looks good
build me a fence to perch upon
until my faith can push me on


This is about indecision about choices. It's easy to want to stay put and not move forward, remember past pains that scare you from moving forward as you must. I'm still not sure if I am moving forward or perched on my fence.
~T~

Publish Post

Stars in the Sky

By the wings of my heart
I fly at night
mind and soul wretched apart
I take flight
take me somewhere peaceful
soft nature surrounds
take me somewhere beautiful
where I'll never be found
floating silently
I soar by
riding the wind gallantly
but all you see is the sky
and rain drops fall
from a clear starry night
don't look appalled
like this isn't right
explanations are pointless
just enjoy what God gave us
close your eyes
and soar with me
I promise
you'll be happy.


I wrote this within the last year and a half. I was tired of conflict and betrayals of friends and vowed that if I could just escape it all I could be happy and if I could bring those with me whom I trusted and held dear, that they too could escape it. But they had to trust me first...because one who is silent and only writes out her opinions and feelings apparently gains no merit easily, even among friends. To be honest, I have found over these last few years that I have few friends that have stayed true and among those few most are related to me by blood. Sometimes I feel it's just me, that there is something about me that people ignore me or my opinions and feelings and thus I become a small person they pay little heed and reverence and so when times of strife are upon us...they abandon my advice to their own selfish wants. But I know I am not one to be ignored. Those who choose to do so are foolish. A foolish man leads a foolish life of no value.
~T~

Silence

silence echoes loudly
filling me with hate
hoping still it will fade
before it is too late
silence bouncing off the walls
reminding me of the voice I miss
listening for never coming calls
and an unfamiliar kiss
silence used to be my forte
a fortress for my mind
yet here I am stuck inside
not feeling very kind
silence has invaded my heart
and cut loose tears
silence is no longer mine
but a weapon feeding my fears.

Wrote this in an aftermath of a guy being jerk to me. I really like this poem because of how I put it out there that I use my own silence as a way of defending myself against hurt and then it was turned against me to hurt me. I had never realized that my defense could hurt others until then.

Rain

The rain glazes over the surface
making the dreary sky seem precious
for we look for the good
to make ourselves forget
we're all misunderstood
and we all get wet
trudging through the puddles
leaves dripping with heavy drops
careful not to slip on wet pebbles
muddy holes filled to the top
we don't fall
we stick it out
til the rain stops

A rainy day inspired hopeful thoughts.

Splattered

Falling, falling backwards,
don't catch me if I fall
the world is full of cowards
and the buildings are too tall
so let me jump
let me burn
hold your lunch
feel free to turn
splat me on the sidewalk
my broken bruised heart
now lies, permanently, stopped the clock
now we must part
you will forget me
this girl so cute
too open and caring
my heart is dead now
splattered so beautifully
on the ground.

I wrote this after heart break obviously.lol. I look back on it now and see how irrational it was to feel this way at the time. Though I cannot deny my feelings, I can learn from them by writing them down and looking back on them and seeing how foolish I was to feel that way.

Sway to the Beat

calmly swaying to the beat
a blank mind
and moving feet
a soft smile spreads across
knowing more
telling less
if you were here
I'd slap your face
for all this
I cannot erase
be silent, be still
I can be none
for the beat is playing
and my hips aren't done
so hold me in your arms
...if you can
but you don't deserve to...
and..maybe others do.
so, hold me now
or run away
I refuse to listen to your silence another day!

This poem is written to someone who hurt me and refused to talk to me afterwards to so sort it out.

A Moment

and in that moment I knew
I knew that I had failed
the sun bore down on me like a spotlight
a spotlight illuminating my soul.
and I was ashamed
ashamed of myself, my actions
or rather my lack of actions
actions that I may come to regret...
...yet...I cannot go back in time
In time I will learn how to correct this
until then, I will hide and burrow away
away from those who will make me feel like I should die
die for this bad decision, in a moment so thin
only a moment, only a second to decide
decide the fate of my darkened soul
and failure of self worth
worth is all we have
have a little faith and I will learn
Learning is what I do best
remember, we are all blotched
blotched, spotted, marked, imperfect
look before you throw the stone...
the stone may be meant for you too.

This poem, is written about choices and judgment. How we all have our choices to make and we can't always choose right, but that doesn't give others the right to sit there and judge us. This also makes me think of a song called Playing God by Paramore. Check it out. It's a good song. :)

Reading

Melt into the abyss
mind seeking yet another
clouds float, too close, too dense
burning eyes refuse to surrender
moving fast, taking it all in
til the morning dawn calls it's hinder
sleep commands
yet defiance moves forward
searching, loving another world's demands
the mind's reel never stopping
story after story
reality harping
give in to the loss
reality must be lived
remembering it is truly the boss
flicking off the switch
the reel refuses to unwind
darkness tries to engulf
but fleeting lovers burst to mind
and eventually sleep rends the snuff

This is how it feels for me to read, how I have such a hard time putting a book down to go to sleep and how the story refuses to leave my mind as I try there trying to fall asleep.

The Search

The ghosts of my ancestors
invade my mind
calling me, pulling me
wanting me to find
missing pieces, times of past
falling backwards, til the last
Where are you?
Who are you?
What we learn gives light
excites the idea that death
is not the end
just another jigsaw piece
another story to comprehend
to tell, to learn
to live and yearn
live on in my veins
as my blood shot eyes crave
to find the answers upon my screen
and fill in everything lost between.

I wrote this after a couple of days of endless searching on ancestry.com for people in my family tree. It had become like an obsession. I even dreamt about it. lol... I felt crazy for a couple of days and excited about finding the answers. Still haven't finished finding everything. Took a break from it after realizing how crazy I felt searching for answers like that. I will get back to it soon, just going slow so I don't feel like that again.

Who do YOU believe?

Where will you find what you believe?
dig deep within your soul
dig, dig, til you bleed
What will you find?
pretend it's more
and leave the truth behind
lies and deception
create new truths
leaving the world with false perceptions
hot is cold, skinny is fat
oranges are apples
I bet you didn't realize that!
who's to say what is what?
and when is when?
Even the Government...
well, let's just say, I don't believe THEM.
Who do we trust?
What should we believe?...
...Blue is purple...AND!..
I WILL SUCCEED!
at all I strive to achieve
self belief, love of family.
That's reality.

I don't hold much faith in our government. I pray that our nation will stay solid through my life and through my descendants lives. I fear that this relaxed state that the U.S. is in cannot hold forever. Many already try to break it. Only way to keep sane is to trust yourself and love all you can. It's the only thing that will keep us sane.

Daze of Days

I sit in my dimly lit room
shadows dancing along the walls
my own eyes staring back at me
reflecting...what?...I don't know.
I dreamt a dream last night
it was crazy just like me
and I lingered on that dream today
wishing it to be
shadows and light go hand in hand
I was the light... I am the light!
dreaming dreams, I am good at
making dreams come true
not so much
but here I sit anyways
dreaming.

This poem I wrote one day after feeling annoyed at myself for always letting my imagination run away with me into a dream world. Seems like I'd rather be in some dream world I create than in this world where I'm bound to live.

You Cannot Steal Me!

Bounding slowly through the air
hoping, praying, I'm headed somewhere
fields of strife will try to pull me down
but I will flex my heart and send it tumbling back to the ground
forward, flying, ignoring the darkness creeping
internal chiding, I should be sleeping
I refuse to allow the darkness to take me
it cannot steal me away
it will come and come and I will live to fight another day
wind blowing through my hair
a cape of heroism, for all to grab and tear
as I allow the rain drops to drip from my chin
wash away those I hold responsible for them
leave me my burden, do not add
for everyday you linger in my mind, I am sad.
Shoo away with you, the weight too much
stop stealing away from me a happy heart and gentle touch.
I will shine brightly without your corruption upon me
scurry away like the pestilence you are, let me be Free!


This is poem written about those who have hurt me so deep that I have a hard time pushing away from what they did to me. So easy to forgive, so much harder to forgive and takes even longer to heal from it all.

Lost

Shivering in the cold
the little girl rocks
trying to stay warm
the floors are bare and brown
no blanket to be found
the tears roll down her face
freeze before they drip off her chin
huddled in the corner
rocking, rocking
her blue eyes wide in fright
night surrounds
and she remains cold, unfound
rocking, rocking
rubbing her hands together
trying to get warm
nothing will help in this winter storm
the night wears on
and pretty blues eyes stare, unblinking
rocking, rocking...no more.


this is a poem I wrote about a year ago I think. It's not a story about anyone real in specific. It's more metaphorical than real. I thought of it as feeling alone...even in a room full of people or feeling the lonely despair of being stuck somewhere you can't stand. I use blue eyes in alot of my art work and in my poetry and other writings because I have blue eyes, usually means I'm relating the character to myself.

Eggshells

Brand new poem I wrote tonight. :)

This prison of egg shells is narrow.
watch your step
listen and be wary for whistling arrows
step lightly
a slight offense could bring you to your knees
lightly run...if you can
escape or hide, just be safe please
can this prison disappear?
it IS home...
disappear...I wish
happiness could be free to roam
...wish there weren't eggshells...


I wrote this poem tonight after feel anxiety about being around my father. Seems like him and I are always butting heads and I hate to fight with him and he always makes me feel like I always let him down. :(

Future

I see the future,
bleak but clear,
50/50, stand clear
most die, some live
systems die, lessons relived
one stands tall,
among them all
giving orders
establishing borders
change means what?
change means this
I see the future
bleak but clear
50/50, stand clear
will you die? will you live?
I cry for mine
as the system crumbles in.


This poem is open to interpetation. I wrote it after having a dream about what would happen if some disaster struck the earth. But some see it as a current political evaluation poem. I am not very opinionated in politics... So take it as you will.

The Tree in my Hand

growing roots,
grow a tree,
tree of life,
branches free,
free the sky,
drop a leaf,
bending, breaking, leave
ever changing
changes greatly needed
silly follies always repeated
bark grows thick
growing as we age
turning, yearning, moving each page
flip through the pages
move slowly
remember and never feel lonely
each branch holds its own
holding, holding, til it must let go
go, go, going, gone.
but the tree lives on.



I wrote this while I was in a phase where I was a little obsessed with the image of the celtic Tree of Life. I was drawing pictures of it all the time and I just couldn't stop using it as creative inspiration.

Me x4

My Imagination
it is gone
flew away
a slight breeze
of time
bustled it away
"come back"
I say meekly
"I am lost"
"without you"

My Creativity
yours will serve me fine
I will just slide off you
like a spin off
not so funny
"Joey" was good
"Friends" was better
a continuation
a cancellation
just not as good
as the original

My Mind
cluttering in self
closed, ignorant
irrational
gone with the wind
lost to the heart
serving for a humor
dull and stumped
standing listless
pointless

My Heart
rule the ward
giggle at the others
blow a kiss
give a hug
grow, expand, explode
bursting to the brim
at home on the sleeve
let the cool breeze
blow me about
I will pout
but I'll be where I choose
until there's a noose.



I wrote these four poems about the four parts of myself that I find help develope and create my poems. I find they explain who I am and my personality pretty well too. :)

In the Fields

In the fields is the grain,
in the fields it will rain,
in the fields I will stand,
and i will demand,
demand what you say?
for nothing else to come my way.




short, simple poem. This was my very first poem I ever wrote. I was 13 when I wrote it.

The first Stone

So, this is my new blog that I will be writing in. It will be mostly my poems, new and old. I have tried blogging them on other sites but have not had enough readers to get good feedback on my poetry, so I'm trying this. First I'll give you a little background on myself to help you know me a little bit before reading my poetry.
I am a female, 24 years old. I have been writing poetry since I was 13. I really enjoy writing poetry. It helps get my emotions out and allows me to say things I would never say out loud to anyone. I am a very emotional person, I feel emotions strongly and sometimes am hurt more than I let show to those around me, so I turn to my poetry for my outlet. I am able to take criticism though. I really want to know what people think of my poetry and maybe get some advice for them. :)
I will try to write a post poem explanation of the poem I wrote and also if I wrote it when I was younger as well. It's good to know that when evaluating a poem. I like people to see where I'm coming from. But I'll put it after the poem that way you can read the poem first and see if you can understand it without explanation first. :)
I really hope everyone can help me out with your feedback and anything else. Please feel free to comment on them! If it sucks, tell me. If it needs work, tell me. If it's wonderful, tell me. ;p
Thanks :)
~T~